Killing the Game
To say October has been a challenge would be an understatement. However, that being said I find myself more and more at peace every day. I am excited for the future and despite the heavy sadness in my heart, I am happy. Such a weird feeling to have... so happy yet also so sad. I admit most of my life when the sadness took over it was all that there was. Which of course led me to my biggest downfall... so I guess one could say that I am figuing it out! I can feel sad every day but still be happy with the wonderful parts of my life and feel grateful for them. Is that the secret? The secret to pushing through the mud? You'd think it was as easy as saying that but I've had to sift through a lot of shit to figure that simple lesson out...
I spent the first few days after Roscoe left not doing much of anything at all. My mom stayed the first night with me and when I was unable to sleep and up at 3 AM I moved to the couch to watch TV and of course, my mothers intuition kicked in and she came and sat with me while I cried. I really do have an incredible mother.
I spent the next day with her and my dad, I don't really remember what we did but I wasn't alone and I think that's what mattered the most. I told my mom I wanted to spend the next night alone, figured a trial run would be best, so she let me and I slept through the night. I joined my parents for breakfast the next morning and when they hit the road... well I didn't leave my bed until Sunday night after that. I had no reason to. I had no dog to take outside. So I binged watched Greys Anatomy, as I often do when I am feeling down, something about Meredith and McDreamy makes me feel like it's all gonna be ok. Despite his tragic end.... So I did that. And I ate a ton of candy and not much else. Until I felt sick from all the chocolate and needed to eat something real before I started throwing up on top of everything...
On Tuesday my good friend Colin arrived. I called him a few weeks ago and asked him to come down to help me out. Between Roscoe leaving and Michelle being out of town for three weeks I figured I could use the companionship. So he flew down to keep my company and has been following me around since. We've been friends for 20 years so we have a nice comfortable relationship where we can spend time together doing anything and we're good. He's just the right amount of incentive to get up and not lay in bed for days on end. We take the day care pup to the dog park. We walk Mason, we go on a hike, we get drunk and have dance parties. He gets me up each day with just the right amount of obligation. Exactly what I need.
I'm slowly getting back to the norm. I have a hard time walking in my front door without my boy there to greet me, and whenever someone knocks on the door and no one barks I feel my broken heart shudder. Overall though, I am working through it. I am VERY excited to start my new job in animal relocation for the ASPCA any day now. I think it will be exactly what I need, and it came into my life at exactly the right time. And what's not to love about that.
I'm doing it. I'm living and I wake up every day and choose to be happy. Killing it!